I know what you're all wondering. How can I achieve success the way George W. Bush did? Well, that's why I'm here tonight. I'm here to share the secrets of my success. When I'm done, you'll be able to achieve your life goals the George W. Bush way.
First thing is . . . and this is key . . . get yourself born into a wealthy, powerful, politically connected family like I did. I honestly cannot stress enough the importance of being born into the right family. That way, whenever you want something, all you have to do is tell Dad, and he'll make a few calls, and there it is, handed to you right on a silver platter. Say, for instance, that there's a war on, and they're drafting guys just like you into the army and sending them off to some godforsaken jungle to get their arms and legs blown off and poison dumped on them from their own side. Nobody wants that, right? I sure as shootin' didn't. I wanted into the Texas Air National Guard, because back then they didn't send national guardsmen off to other countries to fight. Made sure I changed that when the time came, heh-heh. So, but the problem is, I'm not the only guy that wants to get in there to dodge the draft, right? Waiting list is a mile long. So I tell Dad I want in, he makes a few calls, and boom, I'm in. Piece of cake.
And if you screw up, same thing. Dad makes a few calls, and his friends come and bail you out. Say you get a girl knocked up, or get faced and crash your car, or you keep skipping out on the National Guard and they're talking dishonorable discharge, or you get in trouble with the SEC, or you run for president and don't quite win. Dad's friends can get it all sorted out, no problem.
And, uh, there's some other stuff about praying to God, but let's face it, folks do that all the time, and nothing happens, or else things just get worse. So, prayer is good, definitely don't want to knock prayer, but if you really want success, then getting Dad's friends to smooth out the bumps for you is definitely the way to go.
Thank you, and good night. God bless the United States of America, and remember to vote for Johnny Pez for Best Small Blog.