Sunday, May 18, 2008

Hillary Clinton Wants My Money

Democratic runner-up Hillary Clinton sent me a letter yesterday that reads:

Dear Johnny,

After 46 contests and over 28 million votes being cast,

Note that she's still clinging to her "victories" in the Florida and Michigan noncontests.

we are in a neck-and-neck race with Senator Obama.

Obama has 168 (and counting) more pledged delegates and 22 (and counting) more superdelegates than Clinton, so they're neck-and-neck. In related news, the Cleveland Indians are still running neck-and-neck with the Boston Red Sox in the 2007 ALCS, being only one game behind.

Following a great victory in Pennsylvania, where we were outspent 5-to-1,

Because we spent all our money before Super Tuesday and don't have any left.

we head into the final 6 weeks of the nominating process with great momentum --

Except for all those superdelegates who've been endorsing Obama lately.

a momentum on which we need to keep building.

By begging for money and not admitting that we can't win.

This month we face critical tests in Indiana, North Carolina, West Virginia, Kentucky and Oregon.

Three of which have already gone by. Not only is the Clinton campaign losing, they're also pretty damn slow off the mark with their mass mailings. And for the record, those three critical tests ended in a big win, a narrow win, and a very big loss.

I need you to join our campaign today

Senator Clinton, you needed me to join your campaign back in January. Now it's way way way too late.

because this race is so close

See delegate totals above.

that the decision you make could be the difference between winning and losing.

Or not. See delegate totals above.

Can I count on you to help by rushing a gift of $100 or even $75 so that our campaign will have the resources needed to succeed?

Even if I had the money to spare (which I don't), I certainly wouldn't waste it on your doomed presidential campaign. I'd send it to someone who could actually win, like Darcy Burner or Scott Kleeb.

Johnny, I promise you that as long as I have your support, as long as you are fighting by my side, I will work as hard as I can to win. We will keep fighting because America is worth fighting for.

Say, does that mean that if you don't have my support, then you'll give up? Because you don't. Will you be dropping out of the race and endorsing Senator Obama now?

With your support today,

Or not. See above.

we can show them once again that we're in this to win.

By "them" I take it you mean "us" Obama supporters. I repeat, does this mean that if you don't have my support today, you'll stop trying to show me once again that you're in this to win?

Thank you in advance for joining our campaign.

And thank you in advance for dropping out and endorsing Obama. And for crisscrossing the country making speeches on his behalf. And for appearing on the cable news shows and the Sunday morning bobblehead shows and talking about what a great president he's going to be and what a horrible president McCain would be. And additional thanks in advance to your husband for doing the same. And thanks in advance to your friend and advisor Mark Penn for not writing any more of his dumbass books, and for waiving the balance of the money you owe him in recognition of the sorry job of strategizing he did for you.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Top Ten Skeletons in Barack Obama's Closet

Some Democrats are worried that the GOP Has Something on Barack Obama, and that a week before the election they'll drop a bombshell that will destroy Obama's electability. And it turns out they're right. By means of sources I am not at liberty to reveal, I have obtained a report from GOP oppo researchers listing the top ten skeletons in Obama's closet. Expect to see one or more of these revealed on Matt Drudge's website in late October:

10. Barack Obama's real parents are Louis Farrakhan and Jane Fonda.
9. Barack Obama is the Unabomber.
8. Barack Obama cut off John Wayne Bobbitt's penis.
7. During the Nevada caucuses, Barack Obama killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
6. Barack Obama sank the Titanic AND the Lusitania.
5. Barack Obama assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
4. Barack Obama invented crack cocaine.
3. Barack Obama causes lung cancer.
2. Barack Obama murdered Vince Foster.

And the number one skeleton in Barack Obama's closet:
1. Barack Obama is actually black!