Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez

Being a prophet is easy.

Whether we're talking about the Oracle at Delphi, the Revelation of St. John the Divine, the Prophecy of Merlin, the Prophecies of Nostradamus, or even the Prophets of the Celestial Temple, it's always the same game. The prophecies are always couched in such cryptic, arcane, metaphorical language that they could mean pretty much anything. Always, it's only after the prophecied event takes place that people are able to look back and see what the prophecy was actually referring to.

Thus, it isn't necessary for a prophecy to actually predict anything. All you need is something that sounds like a prediction, cloaked in appropriately murky language, and you can gain a coterie of groupies followers who will sing your praises and (most importantly) buy collections of your prophetic writings.

Sounds like a sweet deal to me, so I've decided to get into the prophecy business. I'm going to start composing my own prophecies in the form of Nostradamus-style alternate rhyme quatrains. Since I don't want to glut the prophetic market, I'll limit myself to no more than one per day. Here's the first one:

The lions of the north will shake their heads
Two hundred Bolivians will seek release
The Lord of the Trumpet will bare his threads
And a plague of vampires will trouble Greece

Remember, folks, just because I think it's a load of old rubbish, doesn't mean these aren't genuine prophetic utterances. For all anyone knows, I may actually be channeling some higher power when I write these things. So, when I start publishing my prophecies in expensive hardbound volumes with tooled leather covers, you may want to buy a copy.

Just in case.

(continue to Prophecy 2)


Hamish Mack said...

Will the Vampires that plague Greece be the hawt ones like onna TV?

Johnny Pez said...

Can't tell. That's the trouble with prophecies. They might even turn out to be metaphorical vampires. So, you're sitting there hoping to share a bottle of retsina with Juliet Landau, and instead you find yourself surrounded by neoliberal economists.

It's a crapshoot.