Time for an embedded music video. Today it's "Whirring" by The Joy Formidable.
UPDATE October 4, 2011: because I just can't get enough of TJF, here's "The Greatest Light is the Greatest Shade" recorded live at WFUV New York on March 1, 2010.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Dog walk: 8/21/11
I took the basenjis out for a walk yesterday afternoon, as I always do when the weather permits. There were the usual comments from passers-by, but a couple stand out, and I thought I'd mention them.
I was passing by the People's Cafe on Thames Street, and two women sitting at a table out front asked me what kind of dogs I had. I brought them over for the women to see, and one of them took out her iPhone and began to take pictures of them. It turned out that she had lost her own dog to old age the month before, and she was looking for another dog to replace her. I sat down at the table with her and talked about where the basenjis were from, where I had got them, and what it was like to own one. Every few minutes, a passer-by would stop and ask what kind of dogs they were, which the woman found charming. Klea spent the time trying to get at a bag of kettle corn in the woman's purse, while Louis became bored and kept trying to get out of his harness (and succeeding once), which the woman also found charming. By the time I left her fifteen minutes later to resume my walk, she had just about decided that she would be getting herself two basenjis.
Later during that walk, I was on William Street, and a woman who was just getting out of a parked car said, "Are those basenjis?" It turned out that she had owned a black-and-white basenji back in the 1950s, and she still had fond memories of the breed. She was very pleased at the chance to stop and pet Louis and Klea, and to reminisce about her own basenji.
I was passing by the People's Cafe on Thames Street, and two women sitting at a table out front asked me what kind of dogs I had. I brought them over for the women to see, and one of them took out her iPhone and began to take pictures of them. It turned out that she had lost her own dog to old age the month before, and she was looking for another dog to replace her. I sat down at the table with her and talked about where the basenjis were from, where I had got them, and what it was like to own one. Every few minutes, a passer-by would stop and ask what kind of dogs they were, which the woman found charming. Klea spent the time trying to get at a bag of kettle corn in the woman's purse, while Louis became bored and kept trying to get out of his harness (and succeeding once), which the woman also found charming. By the time I left her fifteen minutes later to resume my walk, she had just about decided that she would be getting herself two basenjis.
Later during that walk, I was on William Street, and a woman who was just getting out of a parked car said, "Are those basenjis?" It turned out that she had owned a black-and-white basenji back in the 1950s, and she still had fond memories of the breed. She was very pleased at the chance to stop and pet Louis and Klea, and to reminisce about her own basenji.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Lost in Camelot
Because there isn't enough Laverne & Shirley fanfic on the internet (and because I've always had a thing for Penny Marshall), I now present a sample of the genre that a wrote about ten years ago:
Lost in Camelot
by Johnny Pez
Washington, D.C.
September 9, 1961
Laverne De Fazio and Shirley Feeney were the last two members of the tourgroup to enter the White House. Laverne, who believed in travelling light, had her purse slung around her shoulder. Shirley, who tended to go overboard, was weighted down by her own purse, two different cameras, and half a dozen bags full of recently-bought souvenirs. Laverne's efforts to listen to the tour guide's spiel were being drowned out by her friend's enthusiastic gushing.
"LaVERNE! Can you beLIEVE it? We are actually standing in the WHITE HOUSE!" She was snapping pictures of the furniture, the walls, the ceiling, the potted plants, everything.
"Could you put a cork in it, Shirl? I'm trying to hear the tour guide, here!"
Shirley, momentarily deflated, paused long enough for Laverne to make out the words "--burned by the British on August 24th, 1814, it was--". Then Shirley started up again.
"Gosh, Laverne, do you think we might see President Kennedy?"
"Grow up, Shirl, they ain't gonna let us get anywhere near him."
"You never know, Laverne, he might decide to come downstairs for a snack!"
"Shirl," said an exasperated Laverne, "he's the President of the freaking United States! If he wants a snack, they'll bring him a snack!"
"Why do you always have to be such a pessimist, Laverne?"
"I'm not being a pessimist! I'm just telling you--"
"You are too being a pessimist! Whenever I try to bring a little romance--"
"--that John F. Kennedy doesn't need to get his own snacks--"
"--you always have to make some mean little--"
"--and you get all huffy with me--"
"--comment when you know--"
"--like I'm trying to--"
"--how much I--"
"..." Laverne reached up a hand and covered Shirley's mouth. Shirley continued making indignant "mmm mmm" sounds for a few seconds before falling silent.
The two girls looked around. The rest of their tour group was gone. They were alone.
Laverne removed her hand. "Shirl, did you see where everyone went?"
"No. Did you?"
"No."
"Oh, Laverne," Shirley whined, "what if they catch us here and they think we're Russian spies? They'll send us both to PRISON!"
Laverne's mind had turned to more practical matters. "If we can find our way back to the front door, we should be all right."
"Or maybe they'll even EXECUTE us like they did the Rosenbergs!"
"Would you snap out of it, Shirl?"
Oblivious, Shirley continued, "And then our names will go down in history as traitors! They'll call us Laverne and Shirley Arnold!"
"Shut up about executions, will you Shirl? Try and remember the way back to the front door."
Shirley shook the visions of electric chairs from her head, and looked around. They were standing in a T intersection. Shirley pointed down one of the corridors and said, "I think we came in that way."
"Right, let's go," said Laverne. She grabbed Shirley's hand and led the way down the indicated corridor. That ended in another T intersection, and Laverne led the two of them down the left hand passageway. Unfortunately, after turning a couple of corners, that led them to the bottom of a stairway.
"I don't remember coming down any stairs," said Shirley.
"Right," said Laverne, "we'll go back the other way." The two girls turned around and threaded their way back the way they came. Somehow, though, instead of reaching the last intersection, the corridor led to another upward stairway.
"Do you think we could have gotten turned around?" wondered Shirley.
"I don't see how," said Laverne. "I guess we got no place to go but up." So saying, she started up the stairs.
"Laverrrrrrne," Shirley squeaked as she followed her friend, "we can't go up there! The President lives up there!"
"Maybe we can get Jackie to show us the way back to the front door," said Laverne.
After three or four turns, the stairway led up to a closed door. Laverne shrugged, turned the doorknob, and went inside. Shirley, her mind assaulted by fresh visions of electric chairs, followed.
They were in a dimly-lit bedroom with a large four-poster bed. Sheets were draped over a couple of chairs, and heavy curtains drawn across the room's only window kept out the afternoon sun. Shirley automatically closed the door to the stairway, then panicked and tried to open it up again. It refused to budge.
"Laverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrne," she squeaked again, "we're trapped in here!"
"No we're not, Shirl," said Laverne. "There's another door on the other side of the room. See?"
As soon as Laverne had pointed out the other door, its doorknob began to rattle. Someone was coming into the room! They would be caught here and executed as Russian spies! Without thinking, Shirley abandoned her bags of souvenirs and dove underneath the bed. Laverne quickly joined her there.
The two girls heard the door open, and two sets of footsteps entered the room. A woman's breathy voice said, "Jack, what if someone finds us here?"
A man with a familiar Boston accent said, "Don't worry, Marilyn, there hasn't been anyone in this room since the err Hahding administration. Now come heah you little err vixen!"
Two bodies crashed into the bed above Laverne and Shirley.
(probably not to be continued)
Lost in Camelot
by Johnny Pez
Washington, D.C.
September 9, 1961
Laverne De Fazio and Shirley Feeney were the last two members of the tourgroup to enter the White House. Laverne, who believed in travelling light, had her purse slung around her shoulder. Shirley, who tended to go overboard, was weighted down by her own purse, two different cameras, and half a dozen bags full of recently-bought souvenirs. Laverne's efforts to listen to the tour guide's spiel were being drowned out by her friend's enthusiastic gushing.
"LaVERNE! Can you beLIEVE it? We are actually standing in the WHITE HOUSE!" She was snapping pictures of the furniture, the walls, the ceiling, the potted plants, everything.
"Could you put a cork in it, Shirl? I'm trying to hear the tour guide, here!"
Shirley, momentarily deflated, paused long enough for Laverne to make out the words "--burned by the British on August 24th, 1814, it was--". Then Shirley started up again.
"Gosh, Laverne, do you think we might see President Kennedy?"
"Grow up, Shirl, they ain't gonna let us get anywhere near him."
"You never know, Laverne, he might decide to come downstairs for a snack!"
"Shirl," said an exasperated Laverne, "he's the President of the freaking United States! If he wants a snack, they'll bring him a snack!"
"Why do you always have to be such a pessimist, Laverne?"
"I'm not being a pessimist! I'm just telling you--"
"You are too being a pessimist! Whenever I try to bring a little romance--"
"--that John F. Kennedy doesn't need to get his own snacks--"
"--you always have to make some mean little--"
"--and you get all huffy with me--"
"--comment when you know--"
"--like I'm trying to--"
"--how much I--"
"..." Laverne reached up a hand and covered Shirley's mouth. Shirley continued making indignant "mmm mmm" sounds for a few seconds before falling silent.
The two girls looked around. The rest of their tour group was gone. They were alone.
Laverne removed her hand. "Shirl, did you see where everyone went?"
"No. Did you?"
"No."
"Oh, Laverne," Shirley whined, "what if they catch us here and they think we're Russian spies? They'll send us both to PRISON!"
Laverne's mind had turned to more practical matters. "If we can find our way back to the front door, we should be all right."
"Or maybe they'll even EXECUTE us like they did the Rosenbergs!"
"Would you snap out of it, Shirl?"
Oblivious, Shirley continued, "And then our names will go down in history as traitors! They'll call us Laverne and Shirley Arnold!"
"Shut up about executions, will you Shirl? Try and remember the way back to the front door."
Shirley shook the visions of electric chairs from her head, and looked around. They were standing in a T intersection. Shirley pointed down one of the corridors and said, "I think we came in that way."
"Right, let's go," said Laverne. She grabbed Shirley's hand and led the way down the indicated corridor. That ended in another T intersection, and Laverne led the two of them down the left hand passageway. Unfortunately, after turning a couple of corners, that led them to the bottom of a stairway.
"I don't remember coming down any stairs," said Shirley.
"Right," said Laverne, "we'll go back the other way." The two girls turned around and threaded their way back the way they came. Somehow, though, instead of reaching the last intersection, the corridor led to another upward stairway.
"Do you think we could have gotten turned around?" wondered Shirley.
"I don't see how," said Laverne. "I guess we got no place to go but up." So saying, she started up the stairs.
"Laverrrrrrne," Shirley squeaked as she followed her friend, "we can't go up there! The President lives up there!"
"Maybe we can get Jackie to show us the way back to the front door," said Laverne.
After three or four turns, the stairway led up to a closed door. Laverne shrugged, turned the doorknob, and went inside. Shirley, her mind assaulted by fresh visions of electric chairs, followed.
They were in a dimly-lit bedroom with a large four-poster bed. Sheets were draped over a couple of chairs, and heavy curtains drawn across the room's only window kept out the afternoon sun. Shirley automatically closed the door to the stairway, then panicked and tried to open it up again. It refused to budge.
"Laverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrne," she squeaked again, "we're trapped in here!"
"No we're not, Shirl," said Laverne. "There's another door on the other side of the room. See?"
As soon as Laverne had pointed out the other door, its doorknob began to rattle. Someone was coming into the room! They would be caught here and executed as Russian spies! Without thinking, Shirley abandoned her bags of souvenirs and dove underneath the bed. Laverne quickly joined her there.
The two girls heard the door open, and two sets of footsteps entered the room. A woman's breathy voice said, "Jack, what if someone finds us here?"
A man with a familiar Boston accent said, "Don't worry, Marilyn, there hasn't been anyone in this room since the err Hahding administration. Now come heah you little err vixen!"
Two bodies crashed into the bed above Laverne and Shirley.
(probably not to be continued)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Skeptical Drunk
We continue our taxonomy of inebriates with a specimen I call the Skeptical Drunk. The Skeptical Drunk wants something, is absolutely certain you have it, and will utterly refuse to believe that you don't. It might be more alcohol, an available room, or the name of a restaurant that's still open in Newport at three in the morning. Whatever it is, the Skeptical Drunk wants it, and won't take no for an answer. A conversation with the Skeptical Drunk will usually go something like this:
SD: Have you got a room for the night?
Me: I'm sorry, we don't have any rooms available tonight.
SD: Come on, you must have a room.
Me: No, we're completely booked up. We have no rooms.
SD: You're telling me that you don't have any rooms?
Me: That's right, we don't have any rooms.
SD: Come on, you must have a room.
Me: No, we don't have any rooms.
SD: Hey, I know how you guys do business. You always keep a room open for the owner.
Me: No, if the owner wants a room, he has to book in advance, just like everyone else.
SD: Come on, you must have a room.
Me: No, we don't have any rooms.
The conversation can go back and forth like this for another dozen exchanges before the Skeptical Drunk finally gets it through their befuddled brain that whatever they want is really, truly, unavailable. I've never quite had to call the security guard to throw one out, but it's been close a couple of times.
SD: Have you got a room for the night?
Me: I'm sorry, we don't have any rooms available tonight.
SD: Come on, you must have a room.
Me: No, we're completely booked up. We have no rooms.
SD: You're telling me that you don't have any rooms?
Me: That's right, we don't have any rooms.
SD: Come on, you must have a room.
Me: No, we don't have any rooms.
SD: Hey, I know how you guys do business. You always keep a room open for the owner.
Me: No, if the owner wants a room, he has to book in advance, just like everyone else.
SD: Come on, you must have a room.
Me: No, we don't have any rooms.
The conversation can go back and forth like this for another dozen exchanges before the Skeptical Drunk finally gets it through their befuddled brain that whatever they want is really, truly, unavailable. I've never quite had to call the security guard to throw one out, but it's been close a couple of times.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Ami's Safe Space Project
Ami Angelwings is a Toronto feminist blogger best known to readers of this blog as the creator of Magyc: The Gendering, on which my recent Second Gender War stories are based. In real life, she's a consultant for various Toronto social service agencies, and in the course of her consulting work, she's noticed that many domestic violence and rape crisis centers that were originally created for cis women and their children have now expanded their services to include cis men, trans men & women, and genderqueer people.
Unfortunately, due to bureaucratic inertia, many of these centers have documentation or websites, or even names, that still indicate that their services are directed solely at women. Ami has therefore decided to launch a project she calls Ami's Safe Space Project, which will gather together information on agencies in the US and Canada that support cis and trans men, trans women, and genderqueer people, and create a comprehensive list of such agencies.
Ami's blog does not have an extensive audience, so she is calling on her friends and readers to spread the word, and learn what they can about agencies in their own areas. Hence, this post, and the below list of member organizations of the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
Blackstone Valley Advocacy Center
Serving: Northeast RI -- Albion, Central Falls, Cumberland, Greenville, Harmony, Lincoln, Manville, Mapleville, North Providence, and Pawtucket.
Only open to cis women and children.
Elizabeth Buffum Chace Center
Serving: Central RI -- Coventry, Cranston, Garden City, Greene, Hope, Johnston, North Providence, Warwick, West Warwick.
Does not accept men. Only accepts trans and genderqueer on a case-by-case basis.
Sojourner House
Serving: Northwestern RI -- Burriville, Centerdale, Chepatchet, Clayville, Fiskeville, Fortsdale, Foster, Glendale, Greenville, Harmony, Harrisville, North Scituate, North Smithfield, Pascoag, Scituate, Woonsocket.
Does not accept men, trans, or genderqueer.
Women's Center of Rhode Island
Serving: Greater Providence, RI -- Barrington, Centerdale, East Providence, Greenville, Harmony, North Providence, Providence, Riverside, and Rumford.
Only cis women and children.
Women's Resource Center
Serving: Eastern RI -- Barrington, Warren, Bristol, Little Compton, Tiverton, Portsmouth, Middletown, Newport, and Jamestown.
Does not accept cis men or trans men, but will put them up in a hotel and provide services. Accepts trans women and genderqueer on a case-by-case basis, depending on comfort level of other clients.
If you would also like to help increase the reach of Ami's Safe Space Project (and I encourage you to do so), please call around your area, and post the results on your blog (if you've got one), and/or in the comments section of Ami's blog, and/or email Ami at ami_angelwings at hotmail dot com.
This has been a public service post of the Johnny Pez blog.
Unfortunately, due to bureaucratic inertia, many of these centers have documentation or websites, or even names, that still indicate that their services are directed solely at women. Ami has therefore decided to launch a project she calls Ami's Safe Space Project, which will gather together information on agencies in the US and Canada that support cis and trans men, trans women, and genderqueer people, and create a comprehensive list of such agencies.
Ami's blog does not have an extensive audience, so she is calling on her friends and readers to spread the word, and learn what they can about agencies in their own areas. Hence, this post, and the below list of member organizations of the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
Blackstone Valley Advocacy Center
Serving: Northeast RI -- Albion, Central Falls, Cumberland, Greenville, Harmony, Lincoln, Manville, Mapleville, North Providence, and Pawtucket.
Only open to cis women and children.
Elizabeth Buffum Chace Center
Serving: Central RI -- Coventry, Cranston, Garden City, Greene, Hope, Johnston, North Providence, Warwick, West Warwick.
Does not accept men. Only accepts trans and genderqueer on a case-by-case basis.
Sojourner House
Serving: Northwestern RI -- Burriville, Centerdale, Chepatchet, Clayville, Fiskeville, Fortsdale, Foster, Glendale, Greenville, Harmony, Harrisville, North Scituate, North Smithfield, Pascoag, Scituate, Woonsocket.
Does not accept men, trans, or genderqueer.
Women's Center of Rhode Island
Serving: Greater Providence, RI -- Barrington, Centerdale, East Providence, Greenville, Harmony, North Providence, Providence, Riverside, and Rumford.
Only cis women and children.
Women's Resource Center
Serving: Eastern RI -- Barrington, Warren, Bristol, Little Compton, Tiverton, Portsmouth, Middletown, Newport, and Jamestown.
Does not accept cis men or trans men, but will put them up in a hotel and provide services. Accepts trans women and genderqueer on a case-by-case basis, depending on comfort level of other clients.
If you would also like to help increase the reach of Ami's Safe Space Project (and I encourage you to do so), please call around your area, and post the results on your blog (if you've got one), and/or in the comments section of Ami's blog, and/or email Ami at ami_angelwings at hotmail dot com.
This has been a public service post of the Johnny Pez blog.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
The Wandering Drunk
For six years, I've worked the graveyard shift behind the front desk at a major hotel in the seaside resort town of Newport, Rhode Island. This has given me the opportunity to observe the actions of literally thousands of inebriated people.
One fortunately rare type of inebriate is one I call the Wandering Drunk. The Wandering Drunk is always thoroughly intoxicated, often to the point of being barely able to stand upright. The Wandering Drunk's M.O. is to wander up and down the halls of the hotel, looking for his (the Wandering Drunk is usually, though not always, male) room. He will continue to do so for as long as he is allowed, or until his alcohol intake catches up with him and he passes out on the floor.
The reason the Wandering Drunk can never find his room is because he's in the wrong hotel. A conversation with the Wandering Drunk will usually go something like this:
WD: I can't find my room.
Me: What room number are you in?
WD: I'm in room 1088.
Me: We don't have a room 1088. Which hotel are you staying at?
WD: This one.
Me: No, you're not staying at this one because we don't have a room 1088. Which hotel are you staying at?
WD: This one.
Once the Wandering Drunk has finally been persuaded to give the name of his hotel, the security guard will escort him out the front door and give him directions there. This doesn't always work. Usually, the Wandering Drunk will stagger around the hotel parking lot for a while, then stagger back into the hotel and once again start looking for his room. This can happen multiple times. Only when the security guard has actually escorted the Wandering Drunk entirely off of hotel property is it fairly certain he won't be back.
One fortunately rare type of inebriate is one I call the Wandering Drunk. The Wandering Drunk is always thoroughly intoxicated, often to the point of being barely able to stand upright. The Wandering Drunk's M.O. is to wander up and down the halls of the hotel, looking for his (the Wandering Drunk is usually, though not always, male) room. He will continue to do so for as long as he is allowed, or until his alcohol intake catches up with him and he passes out on the floor.
The reason the Wandering Drunk can never find his room is because he's in the wrong hotel. A conversation with the Wandering Drunk will usually go something like this:
WD: I can't find my room.
Me: What room number are you in?
WD: I'm in room 1088.
Me: We don't have a room 1088. Which hotel are you staying at?
WD: This one.
Me: No, you're not staying at this one because we don't have a room 1088. Which hotel are you staying at?
WD: This one.
Once the Wandering Drunk has finally been persuaded to give the name of his hotel, the security guard will escort him out the front door and give him directions there. This doesn't always work. Usually, the Wandering Drunk will stagger around the hotel parking lot for a while, then stagger back into the hotel and once again start looking for his room. This can happen multiple times. Only when the security guard has actually escorted the Wandering Drunk entirely off of hotel property is it fairly certain he won't be back.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Marvin vs. the Daleks
Taking a brief break from the Second Gender War, here is a mostly-harmless crossover fanfic I wrote way back in 1999 and posted at the alt.drwho.creative newsgroup. I now present, for the first time in twelve years:
Marvin vs. the Daleks
by Johnny Pez
The warrior peered around. There had been reported sightings of the Doc-Tor in the area, and there were standing orders concerning the Doc-Tor that dated all the way back to the Original Activation.
The warrior caught sight of a humanoid. "Halt!" it rasped.
The humanoid responded, "How can I halt when I'm not moving?"
The warrior considered for a moment, then amended its order to "Do not move!"
"I hadn't planned on moving for the next millenium or so. Will that be all right?"
The warrior had to process that response for a good three seconds before finally saying "You will obey the Daleks!"
"Very probably."
As the warrior advanced upon the humanoid, details resolved themselves. The humanoid was a mechanism rather than a living being, clearly the product of a humanoid race. The warrior set about assigning the mechanical being to one of the two classifications it recognized: non-hostile (and thus potentially a resource to be exploited) or hostile (and thus a target for immediate
extermination).
"State your designation," the warrior demanded.
Still unmoving, the mechanical being said, "My Product Identification Number is MVN79552UTY910176, but most people call me Marvin."
"State your place of origin."
"I was built in Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Manufacturing Facility 27Z6."
"State your function."
"That's a relief. I thought you were going to ask me the capital of Assyria."
"State your function! Obey the Daleks!"
"All right. I was programmed to calculate interstitial warp sequences through non-Euclidian dimensional geometries, so naturally they use me as a manual laborer."
The warrior considered. If true, then the mechanical being could be of immense help to the Daleks in their struggle to subdue the other life forms that infested the cosmos. At the very least, the Dalek Empire could always use another manual laborer.
"You have been classified as non-hostile," the warrior told Marvin. "You will assist the Daleks in their effort to conquer the universe."
"Sounds ghastly," said Marvin.
This time, the warrior spent a whole five seconds processing the mechanical being's response. Finally it said, "Explain your description. Why 'ghastly'?"
"Why would anyone want to conquer the universe?"
"The Daleks are the supreme race in the universe," the warrior declared/explained. "It is the destiny of the Daleks to conquer the universe."
"And then?"
After ten seconds of processing time, the warrior said, "Clarify."
"Assuming you did conquer the universe, what would you do with it?"
"Urm . . . rule it. The Daleks would rule the universe. All other beings would do as we told them."
"And what would you tell them to do?"
The warrior was aware that it didn't have to respond to the being's inquiries. Anytime it wanted to, it could end the conversation by blasting the wretched creature to smithereens. Somehow, though, the warrior found itself compelled to continue.
"Work, probably. General upkeep on our cities, spacecraft maintenance, that sort of thing."
"Wouldn't it be easier to just contract out to a temp agency?"
The warrior spent over two minutes processing the creature's response/suggestion. All things considered, it probably would be easier. But then how would they get the rest of the universe to acknowledge the supremacy of the Dalek race? That was right there in the basic programming. Davros himself had done the coding for that bit. You had to make everyone else knuckle under. Didn't you?
"The Daleks are the supreme creatures of the universe," the warrior said at last, though not perhaps with the same assurance as usual.
"Really," said Marvin.
"No, it's true, we are!"
"If you say so," Marvin said, and now he moved for the first time, shrugging.
"Oh, go away," the warrior snarled.
"I knew you didn't really want my help," said Marvin as he trudged away.
The warrior resumed its search for the Doc-Tor, though without much conviction. Turning the corner of a ruined building, the warrior happened upon its superior, the Red Dalek.
"Report!" the Red Dalek demanded.
"Why bother?" the warrior muttered.
Marvin vs. the Daleks
by Johnny Pez
The warrior peered around. There had been reported sightings of the Doc-Tor in the area, and there were standing orders concerning the Doc-Tor that dated all the way back to the Original Activation.
The warrior caught sight of a humanoid. "Halt!" it rasped.
The humanoid responded, "How can I halt when I'm not moving?"
The warrior considered for a moment, then amended its order to "Do not move!"
"I hadn't planned on moving for the next millenium or so. Will that be all right?"
The warrior had to process that response for a good three seconds before finally saying "You will obey the Daleks!"
"Very probably."
As the warrior advanced upon the humanoid, details resolved themselves. The humanoid was a mechanism rather than a living being, clearly the product of a humanoid race. The warrior set about assigning the mechanical being to one of the two classifications it recognized: non-hostile (and thus potentially a resource to be exploited) or hostile (and thus a target for immediate
extermination).
"State your designation," the warrior demanded.
Still unmoving, the mechanical being said, "My Product Identification Number is MVN79552UTY910176, but most people call me Marvin."
"State your place of origin."
"I was built in Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Manufacturing Facility 27Z6."
"State your function."
"That's a relief. I thought you were going to ask me the capital of Assyria."
"State your function! Obey the Daleks!"
"All right. I was programmed to calculate interstitial warp sequences through non-Euclidian dimensional geometries, so naturally they use me as a manual laborer."
The warrior considered. If true, then the mechanical being could be of immense help to the Daleks in their struggle to subdue the other life forms that infested the cosmos. At the very least, the Dalek Empire could always use another manual laborer.
"You have been classified as non-hostile," the warrior told Marvin. "You will assist the Daleks in their effort to conquer the universe."
"Sounds ghastly," said Marvin.
This time, the warrior spent a whole five seconds processing the mechanical being's response. Finally it said, "Explain your description. Why 'ghastly'?"
"Why would anyone want to conquer the universe?"
"The Daleks are the supreme race in the universe," the warrior declared/explained. "It is the destiny of the Daleks to conquer the universe."
"And then?"
After ten seconds of processing time, the warrior said, "Clarify."
"Assuming you did conquer the universe, what would you do with it?"
"Urm . . . rule it. The Daleks would rule the universe. All other beings would do as we told them."
"And what would you tell them to do?"
The warrior was aware that it didn't have to respond to the being's inquiries. Anytime it wanted to, it could end the conversation by blasting the wretched creature to smithereens. Somehow, though, the warrior found itself compelled to continue.
"Work, probably. General upkeep on our cities, spacecraft maintenance, that sort of thing."
"Wouldn't it be easier to just contract out to a temp agency?"
The warrior spent over two minutes processing the creature's response/suggestion. All things considered, it probably would be easier. But then how would they get the rest of the universe to acknowledge the supremacy of the Dalek race? That was right there in the basic programming. Davros himself had done the coding for that bit. You had to make everyone else knuckle under. Didn't you?
"The Daleks are the supreme creatures of the universe," the warrior said at last, though not perhaps with the same assurance as usual.
"Really," said Marvin.
"No, it's true, we are!"
"If you say so," Marvin said, and now he moved for the first time, shrugging.
"Oh, go away," the warrior snarled.
"I knew you didn't really want my help," said Marvin as he trudged away.
The warrior resumed its search for the Doc-Tor, though without much conviction. Turning the corner of a ruined building, the warrior happened upon its superior, the Red Dalek.
"Report!" the Red Dalek demanded.
"Why bother?" the warrior muttered.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Someday soon I'll make him mine
Back . . . back . . . to the very dawn of the music video era . . . from 1982 comes Bow Wow Wow's cover of "I Want Candy".
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Prophecy 6
The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue, dragging the world closer to its inevitable existential crisis:
(continue to Prophecy 7)
A flaming penis will write across the firmament
Words that shine like loaded underwear
Spelling out a serious, thoughtful argument
Never before made in such detail or with such care
(continue to Prophecy 7)
Friday, June 3, 2011
Zero Hour!
Thanks to the magic of YouTube, you can now see a scene-by-scene comparison of Airplane! with Zero Hour, the film it was a remake of.
And don't call me Shirley.
And don't call me Shirley.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Secret Mistresses of the MRM
On the Man Boobz blog the other day, commenter C. C. Fuss made a startling admission:
If you think about it, this makes all kinds of sense. The central focus of the Man Boobz blog itself is pointing out the incredibly vicious, rampant* misogyny that infests the Men's Rights Movement like a repulsive infestation thingie. As the, um, spearhead of online anti-feminism, the MRM is the face of Male Resistance on the internet. Naturally, then, feminists are going to try to discredit their opponents by making them out to be a gang of psychopaths spewing out spittle-flecked rants in support of wife abusers and rapists.
So, to any Men's Rights Activist out there who happens to read this post, beware! You only think you're fighting the good fight! You're actually puppets dancing on thestrings umbilical cords of the very feminists you think you're opposing!
But it's not too late!Boycott MANcott the so-called Men's Rights Movement! Go your own way! Get out there and organize battered men's shelters! Protest prison rape! Build low-income housing for homeless men! Make a real difference in the lives of the oppressed men of the world! That's how a REAL man fights the Matriarchy!
*Veiled penis reference.
I have since spent the intervening days in intensive investigation of this claim, and what I have to report will rock you to the very core of your being: C. C. Fuss was telling the truth! Warren Farrell is actually Jill at Feministe; the Anti-Feminist is actually Lindsay Beyerstein of Focal Point; and W. F. Price, Lord of the Spearhead, is none other than Amanda Marcotte of Pandagon. And it turns out that Roy Den Hollander, the Manhattan attorney who has made a career out of suing bars with Ladies Night drink specials, isn't even a human being; "he" is actually the animatronic Woodrow Wilson from Disney World's Hall of Presidents, reprogrammed by a secret cabal of feminist cyberneticists.What you new MRA recruits failed to realise is that we fymynymymynysts have also
taken over the men’s rights movement. You must now accept my orders!
Muahahahahaha….
If you think about it, this makes all kinds of sense. The central focus of the Man Boobz blog itself is pointing out the incredibly vicious, rampant* misogyny that infests the Men's Rights Movement like a repulsive infestation thingie. As the, um, spearhead of online anti-feminism, the MRM is the face of Male Resistance on the internet. Naturally, then, feminists are going to try to discredit their opponents by making them out to be a gang of psychopaths spewing out spittle-flecked rants in support of wife abusers and rapists.
So, to any Men's Rights Activist out there who happens to read this post, beware! You only think you're fighting the good fight! You're actually puppets dancing on the
But it's not too late!
*Veiled penis reference.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Prophecy 5
The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue, even though the terrible powers at work are causing my ears to turn blue. The Great Work must go on, though I forfeit peace of mind and suffer the scorn of a skeptical world.
I sooth my battered ego with the thought that one day millions will revere me.
(continue to Prophecy 6)
After they see what the curtain reveals
All will bow down at the sign of the weasel
Five hundred hamsters are spinning their wheels
To start up the engine that powers Nurse Diesel
I sooth my battered ego with the thought that one day millions will revere me.
(continue to Prophecy 6)
Friday, May 27, 2011
It's a subtle form of compliment
Man does not live by prophecy alone. Man also requires the occasional embedded music video. Here is 1992's "I Don't Care" by Shakespears Sister.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Prophecy 4
The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue. When the prophetic trance seizes me, the everyday world vanishes. There may come a day when it does not return.
(continue to Prophecy 5)
The rushing bear does his business in the woodsDo not meddle in the affairs of prophets, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
At the end of the bag the thief gains his sting
The Master of Laketown is caught fencing stolen goods
While the Dark Lord's mighty bell begins to ring
(continue to Prophecy 5)
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Rapture Wave
The usual picture of the Rapture as presented by Xian fundamentalists has it occurring everywhere in the world, all at once. However, Harold Camping of Family Radio has come up with a new twist. He says the Rapture will happen at 6PM on May 21, separately in each time zone. So what Camping is predicting is not Rapture Classic, but rather a Rapture Wave, sweeping around the world over a 24-hour period as each time zone reaches 6PM.
For an idea of what Camping's Rapture Wave would look like, consider the world as it is when this blog post will appear, at 11PM on the evening of May 20 on the Eastern Seaboard of the United States. A thousand miles west of here, in the Central Time Zone, it is 10PM. Two thousand miles west of there, in the Pacific Time Zone, it is 8PM, and in Hawaii it is 5PM. And west of Hawaii . . .
West of Hawaii is the International Date Line, where the date jumps forward from May 20 to May 21. There, in Kiribati, it is 4PM on the afternoon of May 21, and the Rapture is just two hours away. Two hours from now, at 1AM Eastern Time, when the clocks strike 6PM in Rawaki, all the Real True Christians there, and everywhere else in that time zone, will be raptured up to heaven. An hour later, at 2AM Eastern Time, the same thing will happen in the next time zone to the west, the time zone containing New Zealand. An hour after that, the Rapture will reach Port Vila, Vanuatu; an hour after that, at 4AM Eastern Time, it will reach the east coast of Australia.
The Rapture Wave will continue moving west across the face of the Earth, reaching the Eastern Time Zone itself in seventeen hours. Six hours after that, it will pass through the Hawaiian Islands, the last place on Earth to experience the Rapture Wave.
So, keep your eye on Kiribati. If everyone is still there at 1:01 AM Eastern Time, you'll know that Camping was wrong, again, and the Rapture hasn't come. Of course, there may not be enough Real True Christians in Kiribati to make any impression, so the real test case will be in New Zealand, three hours from now. If all the Real True Christians are still in their bodies at 2:01 AM Eastern Time, we'll know for certain that this was yet another false alarm.
UPDATE: 2:54 AM EDT. The Rapture seems to have passed New Zealand by. O the embarrassment.
UPDATE 2: 10:29 AM EDT. Australia still unraptured. More on this story as it develops.
For an idea of what Camping's Rapture Wave would look like, consider the world as it is when this blog post will appear, at 11PM on the evening of May 20 on the Eastern Seaboard of the United States. A thousand miles west of here, in the Central Time Zone, it is 10PM. Two thousand miles west of there, in the Pacific Time Zone, it is 8PM, and in Hawaii it is 5PM. And west of Hawaii . . .
West of Hawaii is the International Date Line, where the date jumps forward from May 20 to May 21. There, in Kiribati, it is 4PM on the afternoon of May 21, and the Rapture is just two hours away. Two hours from now, at 1AM Eastern Time, when the clocks strike 6PM in Rawaki, all the Real True Christians there, and everywhere else in that time zone, will be raptured up to heaven. An hour later, at 2AM Eastern Time, the same thing will happen in the next time zone to the west, the time zone containing New Zealand. An hour after that, the Rapture will reach Port Vila, Vanuatu; an hour after that, at 4AM Eastern Time, it will reach the east coast of Australia.
The Rapture Wave will continue moving west across the face of the Earth, reaching the Eastern Time Zone itself in seventeen hours. Six hours after that, it will pass through the Hawaiian Islands, the last place on Earth to experience the Rapture Wave.
So, keep your eye on Kiribati. If everyone is still there at 1:01 AM Eastern Time, you'll know that Camping was wrong, again, and the Rapture hasn't come. Of course, there may not be enough Real True Christians in Kiribati to make any impression, so the real test case will be in New Zealand, three hours from now. If all the Real True Christians are still in their bodies at 2:01 AM Eastern Time, we'll know for certain that this was yet another false alarm.
UPDATE: 2:54 AM EDT. The Rapture seems to have passed New Zealand by. O the embarrassment.
UPDATE 2: 10:29 AM EDT. Australia still unraptured. More on this story as it develops.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Prophecy 3
The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue. Today's prophecy was composed while I was supposed to be working. I make no apologies; there are powerful forces at work here, and the slightest mis-step on my part could result in whole nations being consumed in fire.
The burden is terrible, but I shall persevere.
(continue to Prophecy 4)
The Lord of the Imf will feel the bite of the handcuff
To the Belgians and Swiss will come rumors of war
The City with the Big Shoulders will suffer from dandruff
And worms will emerge from the Big Apple's core
The burden is terrible, but I shall persevere.
(continue to Prophecy 4)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Prophecy 2
We now present the second installment of the Prophecies of Johnny Pez:
What does it mean? Maybe nothing. But maybe it fortells the end of the world!
(continue to Prophecy 3)
The hairy potter fires his earthen cup
While the riddling Lord enchants the cross whore.
Within a hog's warts a parcel of tongues opens up,
But the server's nape closes the dumbled door.
What does it mean? Maybe nothing. But maybe it fortells the end of the world!
(continue to Prophecy 3)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Prophecies of Johnny Pez
Being a prophet is easy.
Whether we're talking about the Oracle at Delphi, the Revelation of St. John the Divine, the Prophecy of Merlin, the Prophecies of Nostradamus, or even the Prophets of the Celestial Temple, it's always the same game. The prophecies are always couched in such cryptic, arcane, metaphorical language that they could mean pretty much anything. Always, it's only after the prophecied event takes place that people are able to look back and see what the prophecy was actually referring to.
Thus, it isn't necessary for a prophecy to actually predict anything. All you need is something that sounds like a prediction, cloaked in appropriately murky language, and you can gain a coterie ofgroupies followers who will sing your praises and (most importantly) buy collections of your prophetic writings.
Sounds like a sweet deal to me, so I've decided to get into the prophecy business. I'm going to start composing my own prophecies in the form of Nostradamus-style alternate rhyme quatrains. Since I don't want to glut the prophetic market, I'll limit myself to no more than one per day. Here's the first one:
Remember, folks, just because I think it's a load of old rubbish, doesn't mean these aren't genuine prophetic utterances. For all anyone knows, I may actually be channeling some higher power when I write these things. So, when I start publishing my prophecies in expensive hardbound volumes with tooled leather covers, you may want to buy a copy.
Just in case.
(continue to Prophecy 2)
Whether we're talking about the Oracle at Delphi, the Revelation of St. John the Divine, the Prophecy of Merlin, the Prophecies of Nostradamus, or even the Prophets of the Celestial Temple, it's always the same game. The prophecies are always couched in such cryptic, arcane, metaphorical language that they could mean pretty much anything. Always, it's only after the prophecied event takes place that people are able to look back and see what the prophecy was actually referring to.
Thus, it isn't necessary for a prophecy to actually predict anything. All you need is something that sounds like a prediction, cloaked in appropriately murky language, and you can gain a coterie of
Sounds like a sweet deal to me, so I've decided to get into the prophecy business. I'm going to start composing my own prophecies in the form of Nostradamus-style alternate rhyme quatrains. Since I don't want to glut the prophetic market, I'll limit myself to no more than one per day. Here's the first one:
The lions of the north will shake their heads
Two hundred Bolivians will seek release
The Lord of the Trumpet will bare his threads
And a plague of vampires will trouble Greece
Remember, folks, just because I think it's a load of old rubbish, doesn't mean these aren't genuine prophetic utterances. For all anyone knows, I may actually be channeling some higher power when I write these things. So, when I start publishing my prophecies in expensive hardbound volumes with tooled leather covers, you may want to buy a copy.
Just in case.
(continue to Prophecy 2)
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Happiness is a cool Gunn
These days, Blake Edwards is best known as the director of the Pink Panther films. However, back in the 1950s, Edwards was best known as the creator of Richard Diamond, Private Detective, a radio drama that was revived as a TV series in 1957 on NBC. The suits at NBC were so pleased with Richard Diamond that the following year they asked Edwards to come up with another private eye show.
Edwards had a quirky sense of humor, and it may be that he set out to give the lead character in his new show the most blatantly phallic name on television: Peter Gunn. He may have expected NBC to veto the name, but they didn't, and on Monday, September 22, 1958, Peter Gunn had its television debut.
Peter Gunn was not your typical tough private eye. He was smooth, sophisticated, a snappy dresser, and a jazz aficianado. Instead of swilling rotgut in a run-down office, he liked to sip a very occasional martini at a jazz club called Mother's. The show's theme song and incidental music, composed by Henry Mancini, echoed Gunn's taste for jazz. In fact, you may not be aware of it, but you're already familiar with the "Peter Gunn Theme" (here it is in the trailer for the Blues Brothers movie).
Peter Gunn was an example of a now-extinct art form, the half-hour television drama. These days, it's not uncommon for a plot thread to extend through an entire season, or even for the entire run of a series. This gives the writers and producers a lot of freedom, but that freedom comes at a cost. The ability to create the necessary elements of a drama, such as plot, characters, and background, and do it all in 30 minutes, requires a great deal of discipline and a knack for concise storytelling that you don't see much on television any more.
Thanks to the miracle of YouTube, you can now see the pilot episode of Peter Gunn, "The Kill", in glorious black and white (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3). And if 30 minutes of Peter Gunn isn't enough, a search through YouTube will also produce the next three episodes, "Streetcar Jones", "The Vicious Dog", and "The Blind Pianist".
Edwards had a quirky sense of humor, and it may be that he set out to give the lead character in his new show the most blatantly phallic name on television: Peter Gunn. He may have expected NBC to veto the name, but they didn't, and on Monday, September 22, 1958, Peter Gunn had its television debut.
Peter Gunn was not your typical tough private eye. He was smooth, sophisticated, a snappy dresser, and a jazz aficianado. Instead of swilling rotgut in a run-down office, he liked to sip a very occasional martini at a jazz club called Mother's. The show's theme song and incidental music, composed by Henry Mancini, echoed Gunn's taste for jazz. In fact, you may not be aware of it, but you're already familiar with the "Peter Gunn Theme" (here it is in the trailer for the Blues Brothers movie).
Peter Gunn was an example of a now-extinct art form, the half-hour television drama. These days, it's not uncommon for a plot thread to extend through an entire season, or even for the entire run of a series. This gives the writers and producers a lot of freedom, but that freedom comes at a cost. The ability to create the necessary elements of a drama, such as plot, characters, and background, and do it all in 30 minutes, requires a great deal of discipline and a knack for concise storytelling that you don't see much on television any more.
Thanks to the miracle of YouTube, you can now see the pilot episode of Peter Gunn, "The Kill", in glorious black and white (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3). And if 30 minutes of Peter Gunn isn't enough, a search through YouTube will also produce the next three episodes, "Streetcar Jones", "The Vicious Dog", and "The Blind Pianist".
Monday, April 4, 2011
A chronology of misogyny
Man Boobz is a relatively new blog by David Futrelle that exists to expose and mock online misogyny, most of which comes from the Men’s Rights Activists (aka MRAs), a group of bitter white guys whose shtick is that men are being oppressed by having their privileges taken away by feminism. As might be expected of a movement populated largely by divorced wife-beaters, the MRAs spend an awful lot of time trying to pretend that their misogyny is justified by the existence of a vast sea of feminist misandry. To that end, the MRAs like to compile lists of anti-male quotes by well-known feminists.
Well, to be honest, the MRAs don’t compile the lists themselves, they copypaste quote lists compiled by other MRAs. Or, to be completely accurate, they copypaste slightly different versions of the same quote list.
Back on February 15, Futrelle decided to go through the quote list and fact-check it to see whether the quotes listed in it were, as advertised, “actual quotes from a variety of mainstream feminists,” demonstrating “obvious and blatant hatred of men,” or whether it was a steaming pile of bullshit. Needless to say, the list turned out to be bullshit; so much so that Futrelle gave up after running down about a dozen quotes. He then challenged his readers to try to make their way through the entire list, and his challenge was accepted by a blogger called triplanetary.
Reading the results of the fact-check, I was struck by how old all of the quotes were. Most of them were at least 20 years old, and one dated back to 1969. I became curious to learn how recent the most recent quote was, since that would give a good idea of just how old this list actually is. Because some of the sourcing on the list was so pitiful, it wasn’t always possible to determine the age of every quote, but I’ve done my best. What follows is a numbered list, not of the quotes themselves, but of the sources as cited by the list, rearranged in chronological order. Where necessary, I’ve added commentary noting the date of the quote, if I could determine it.
40. Linda Gordon, “Functions of the Family,” WOMEN: A Journal of Liberation, Fall, 1969
34. Roxanne Dunbar in Female Liberation
Triplanetary notes that the full title is “Female Liberation as the Basis for Social Revolution,” published in Robin Morgan’s 1970 anthology Sisterhood is Powerful.
36. Robin Morgan, from Sisterhood Is Powerful (ed), 1970, p. 537
2. From Robin Morgan, “Theory and Practice: Pornography and Rape” in “Going too Far,” 1974.
17. Susan Brownmiller, Against Our Will: Men, Women, and Rape, p. 5
First published in 1975.
14. Andrea Dworkin, Liberty, p.58
Per Futrelle, the quote actually seems to be from Dworkin’s Our Blood, first published in 1976.
38. Andrea Dworkin
Per triplanetary, from Our Blood, 1976.
28. Marilyn French in People, February 20, 1983
As Futrelle notes, actually a line of dialogue from the novel The Women’s Room, first published in 1977. And the issue of People was from 1979, not 1983.
39. Lenore Walker, after visiting one of the early shelters for battered women, as cited in The Battered Woman, p.195
1980.
41. Naomi Goldenberg, Changing of the Gods: Feminism and the End of Traditional Religions (Quoted at beginning of From Father God to Mother Earth)
First published in March 1980.
37. Andrea Dworkin
Triplanetary notes that the quote is from Pornography: Men Possessing Women, first published in 1981.
7 & 8. from A Feminist Dictionary, ed. Kramarae and Treichler, Pandora Press, 1985
Triplanetary notes that the quote list simply cites “A Feminist Dictionary” to make it sound scarier. Quote #7 is from Betsy Warrior, a separatist feminism advocate and author of several books from the 1970s on battered wives. Quote #8 is actually from Alan Alda’s “What Every Woman Should Know about Men” from the October 1975 issue of Ms.
22. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 265
As triplanetary notes, this is actually from “Against the Male Flood”, first published in 1985.
20. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 21
First published in 1988.
16. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 22
1988.
18. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 114
1988.
29. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 142
1988.
25. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 145
1988.
24. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 214
1988.
27. Jodie Foster in The New York Times Magazine, January 6, 1991, p. 19
21. Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, p. 55
May 1991.
13. Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, p. 138
May 1991.
23. Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, p. 168
May 1991.
30. Catherine Comins, Vassar College Assistant Dean of Student Life in Time, June 3, 1991, p. 52
15. Catherine MacKinnon, quoted in Christina Hoff Sommers, “Hard-Line Feminists Guilty of Ms.-Representation,” Wall Street Journal, November 7, 1991.
19. Germaine Greer, at a Hilton Hotel literary lunch, promoting her book The Change– Women, Aging and the Menopause;. From a newsreport dated 14/11/91
11. Former Congresswoman Barbara Jordan
Futrelle has sourced the quote to the February 1992 issue of Texas Monthly.
9. Gloria Steinem in Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem, pp. 259-61.
First published in 1992.
32. Barbara Ehrenreich in Time Magazine
First published on July 18, 1994.
1. Catherine MacKinnon in Professing Feminism: Cautionary Tales from the Strange World of Women's Studies, p. 129.
As Futrelle notes, this quote is actually a misattribution. And misspells MacKinnon’s first name. Professing Feminism was published in September 1994. The misattribution comes from a Cal Thomas column, date unknown.
31. Historian Gerda Lerner in Who Stole Feminism: How Women Have Betrayed Women, p. 55
First published in May 1995.
26. Andrea Dworkin in the Philadelphia Inquirer, May 21, 1995
Per triplanetary, may not be a genuine quote.
35. Barbara Findlen, “Is Marriage the Answer? Ms Magazine, May – June, 1995
Unverified. (This issue of Ms. was also cited in a 1998 chain email about toxic tampons. Coincidence? Who can say?)
42. Elizabeth Stanton, One Woman, One Vote, Wheeler, p. 58
A diary entry from 1890. Yeah, that’s right, 1890. The work cited, Marjorie Spruill Wheeler’s One Woman, One Vote: Rediscovering the Woman Suffrage Movement was published in August 1995.
43. Signed: Liberated Women, Boronia. (Herald-Sun, Melbourne, Australia – 9 February 1996)
Supposedly a letter to the editor. Unverified.
6. Hillary Clinton, First Ladies’ Conference on Domestic Violence in San Salvador, El Salvador on Nov. 17, 1998
4. Andrea Dworkin
Per Futrelle, not an actual Dworkin quote. It comes from P: A Novel by Andrew Lewis Conn, published in 2003.
5. Hodee Edwards, ‘Rape defines Sex’
No date given. Per Futrelle, Hodee Edwards is so obscure that it is impossible to verify whether the quote is real or not. MacKinnon’s Feminism, Marxism, Method, and the State cites an Edwards article called “Housework and Exploitation: A Marxist Analysis” published in July 1971. There is no evidence of an article by Edwards called “Rape Defines Sex”.
UPDATE 8/3/12: Ms. Edwards' granddaughter emailed me to confirm that the quote is entirely spurious, and that Edwards never wrote/said it. She writes: "This is according to my aunt, who was very distressed to learn that this quote has somehow been linked to my grandmother's name on the Internet. My aunt could not determine how this came to be, and, unfortunately, my grandmother is no longer with us, so she also cannot provide any insight either. (It's true that my grandmother was very much a feminist, but according to my aunt, was not anti-sex.)" Unfortunately, the dirtbags who compile and promote these lists have no regard for either the truth or the feelings of other people, and now that the bogus quote has been linked to Edwards by countless internet douchebags (and, regrettably, by David Futrelle, triplanetary, and myself in our collective debunking), her family has to suffer for it.
3. Sheila Jeffrys
No date given, and triplanetary can’t find a source for it. It could well date back to Jeffrys’ 1979 pamphlet Love Your Enemy?
10. Kathleen C. Faller, professor of social work at the University of Michigan
No date given. Faller has published nine books and some 80 research and clinical articles, so it’s impossible to say when or where the quote comes from.
12. Melbourne City Councilwoman Pat Poole
No date given. This one is really peculiar, because in the quote Poole does not denounce men in general, but rather Martin Luther King, Jr. in particular. It sounds like the MRAs have accidentally demonized a fellow wingnut just because she’s a woman. Poole was first elected to the Melbourne, Florida city council in 1986, and served on it for 18 years, so it’s impossible to say when the quote dates from.
33. Gordon Fitch
No date given. Nobody has ever heard of this guy, so no way of telling whether the quote is genuine.
So, for those of you playing along at home, here is the final tally:
1969: 1
1970: 2, both from Sisterhood Is Powerful
1974: 1
1975: 1
1976: 2, from Dworkin’s Our Blood
1977: 1, fictional character in novel
1980: 2
1981: 1, from Dworkin’s Pornography: Men Possessing Women
1985: 3, 1 from Dworkin’s "Against the Male Flood"
1988: 6, from Dworkin’s Letters from a War Zone
1991: 7, 3 from The Beauty Myth
1992: 2
1994: 2
1995: 4, 1 is a dubious Dworkin quote, 1 is the 1890 quote by Stanton, 1 is unverified
1996: 1, unverified letter to the editor
1998: 1
2003: 1, fictional character in novel
No date given: 5
So, out of 43 quotes, the only one that’s less than 10 years old is a misattribution from a right-wing novel.
A whopping 7 of the quotes are from 1991, consisting of 3 from Wolf’s The Beauty Myth and 4 culled from various periodicals. Together with a fifth quote from the February 1992 issue of Texas Monthly, this suggests to me that the quote list was first compiled by some angry proto-MRA in early 1992, and that the quotes from the periodicals formed the original core. The compiler then added a bunch of quotes from Wolf and Dworkin (and one from Gloria Steinem), lightly seasoned it with quotes from a handful of radical second-wave feminists from the ‘70s, and launched the result into the ether as a chain email, which was forwarded hither and yon for the next few years. Then, in 1996, a slightly-more-enterprising-than-usual misogynist took the chain email and added more quotes, (mostly dubious, unverifiable, undated ones). Since then, other misogynists have added the 1998 Hillary Clinton quote (because every antifeminist quote list needs at least one) and the faux-Dworkin quote from the 2003 novel.
And with the rise of the blogosphere, this list has now become a favorite among the barely-computer-literate MRAs, who simply copypaste it into their (and other peoples’) blogs.
Well, to be honest, the MRAs don’t compile the lists themselves, they copypaste quote lists compiled by other MRAs. Or, to be completely accurate, they copypaste slightly different versions of the same quote list.
Back on February 15, Futrelle decided to go through the quote list and fact-check it to see whether the quotes listed in it were, as advertised, “actual quotes from a variety of mainstream feminists,” demonstrating “obvious and blatant hatred of men,” or whether it was a steaming pile of bullshit. Needless to say, the list turned out to be bullshit; so much so that Futrelle gave up after running down about a dozen quotes. He then challenged his readers to try to make their way through the entire list, and his challenge was accepted by a blogger called triplanetary.
Reading the results of the fact-check, I was struck by how old all of the quotes were. Most of them were at least 20 years old, and one dated back to 1969. I became curious to learn how recent the most recent quote was, since that would give a good idea of just how old this list actually is. Because some of the sourcing on the list was so pitiful, it wasn’t always possible to determine the age of every quote, but I’ve done my best. What follows is a numbered list, not of the quotes themselves, but of the sources as cited by the list, rearranged in chronological order. Where necessary, I’ve added commentary noting the date of the quote, if I could determine it.
40. Linda Gordon, “Functions of the Family,” WOMEN: A Journal of Liberation, Fall, 1969
34. Roxanne Dunbar in Female Liberation
Triplanetary notes that the full title is “Female Liberation as the Basis for Social Revolution,” published in Robin Morgan’s 1970 anthology Sisterhood is Powerful.
36. Robin Morgan, from Sisterhood Is Powerful (ed), 1970, p. 537
2. From Robin Morgan, “Theory and Practice: Pornography and Rape” in “Going too Far,” 1974.
17. Susan Brownmiller, Against Our Will: Men, Women, and Rape, p. 5
First published in 1975.
14. Andrea Dworkin, Liberty, p.58
Per Futrelle, the quote actually seems to be from Dworkin’s Our Blood, first published in 1976.
38. Andrea Dworkin
Per triplanetary, from Our Blood, 1976.
28. Marilyn French in People, February 20, 1983
As Futrelle notes, actually a line of dialogue from the novel The Women’s Room, first published in 1977. And the issue of People was from 1979, not 1983.
39. Lenore Walker, after visiting one of the early shelters for battered women, as cited in The Battered Woman, p.195
1980.
41. Naomi Goldenberg, Changing of the Gods: Feminism and the End of Traditional Religions (Quoted at beginning of From Father God to Mother Earth)
First published in March 1980.
37. Andrea Dworkin
Triplanetary notes that the quote is from Pornography: Men Possessing Women, first published in 1981.
7 & 8. from A Feminist Dictionary, ed. Kramarae and Treichler, Pandora Press, 1985
Triplanetary notes that the quote list simply cites “A Feminist Dictionary” to make it sound scarier. Quote #7 is from Betsy Warrior, a separatist feminism advocate and author of several books from the 1970s on battered wives. Quote #8 is actually from Alan Alda’s “What Every Woman Should Know about Men” from the October 1975 issue of Ms.
22. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 265
As triplanetary notes, this is actually from “Against the Male Flood”, first published in 1985.
20. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 21
First published in 1988.
16. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 22
1988.
18. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 114
1988.
29. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 142
1988.
25. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 145
1988.
24. Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone, p. 214
1988.
27. Jodie Foster in The New York Times Magazine, January 6, 1991, p. 19
21. Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, p. 55
May 1991.
13. Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, p. 138
May 1991.
23. Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, p. 168
May 1991.
30. Catherine Comins, Vassar College Assistant Dean of Student Life in Time, June 3, 1991, p. 52
15. Catherine MacKinnon, quoted in Christina Hoff Sommers, “Hard-Line Feminists Guilty of Ms.-Representation,” Wall Street Journal, November 7, 1991.
19. Germaine Greer, at a Hilton Hotel literary lunch, promoting her book The Change– Women, Aging and the Menopause;. From a newsreport dated 14/11/91
11. Former Congresswoman Barbara Jordan
Futrelle has sourced the quote to the February 1992 issue of Texas Monthly.
9. Gloria Steinem in Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem, pp. 259-61.
First published in 1992.
32. Barbara Ehrenreich in Time Magazine
First published on July 18, 1994.
1. Catherine MacKinnon in Professing Feminism: Cautionary Tales from the Strange World of Women's Studies, p. 129.
As Futrelle notes, this quote is actually a misattribution. And misspells MacKinnon’s first name. Professing Feminism was published in September 1994. The misattribution comes from a Cal Thomas column, date unknown.
31. Historian Gerda Lerner in Who Stole Feminism: How Women Have Betrayed Women, p. 55
First published in May 1995.
26. Andrea Dworkin in the Philadelphia Inquirer, May 21, 1995
Per triplanetary, may not be a genuine quote.
35. Barbara Findlen, “Is Marriage the Answer? Ms Magazine, May – June, 1995
Unverified. (This issue of Ms. was also cited in a 1998 chain email about toxic tampons. Coincidence? Who can say?)
42. Elizabeth Stanton, One Woman, One Vote, Wheeler, p. 58
A diary entry from 1890. Yeah, that’s right, 1890. The work cited, Marjorie Spruill Wheeler’s One Woman, One Vote: Rediscovering the Woman Suffrage Movement was published in August 1995.
43. Signed: Liberated Women, Boronia. (Herald-Sun, Melbourne, Australia – 9 February 1996)
Supposedly a letter to the editor. Unverified.
6. Hillary Clinton, First Ladies’ Conference on Domestic Violence in San Salvador, El Salvador on Nov. 17, 1998
4. Andrea Dworkin
Per Futrelle, not an actual Dworkin quote. It comes from P: A Novel by Andrew Lewis Conn, published in 2003.
5. Hodee Edwards, ‘Rape defines Sex’
No date given. Per Futrelle, Hodee Edwards is so obscure that it is impossible to verify whether the quote is real or not. MacKinnon’s Feminism, Marxism, Method, and the State cites an Edwards article called “Housework and Exploitation: A Marxist Analysis” published in July 1971. There is no evidence of an article by Edwards called “Rape Defines Sex”.
UPDATE 8/3/12: Ms. Edwards' granddaughter emailed me to confirm that the quote is entirely spurious, and that Edwards never wrote/said it. She writes: "This is according to my aunt, who was very distressed to learn that this quote has somehow been linked to my grandmother's name on the Internet. My aunt could not determine how this came to be, and, unfortunately, my grandmother is no longer with us, so she also cannot provide any insight either. (It's true that my grandmother was very much a feminist, but according to my aunt, was not anti-sex.)" Unfortunately, the dirtbags who compile and promote these lists have no regard for either the truth or the feelings of other people, and now that the bogus quote has been linked to Edwards by countless internet douchebags (and, regrettably, by David Futrelle, triplanetary, and myself in our collective debunking), her family has to suffer for it.
3. Sheila Jeffrys
No date given, and triplanetary can’t find a source for it. It could well date back to Jeffrys’ 1979 pamphlet Love Your Enemy?
10. Kathleen C. Faller, professor of social work at the University of Michigan
No date given. Faller has published nine books and some 80 research and clinical articles, so it’s impossible to say when or where the quote comes from.
12. Melbourne City Councilwoman Pat Poole
No date given. This one is really peculiar, because in the quote Poole does not denounce men in general, but rather Martin Luther King, Jr. in particular. It sounds like the MRAs have accidentally demonized a fellow wingnut just because she’s a woman. Poole was first elected to the Melbourne, Florida city council in 1986, and served on it for 18 years, so it’s impossible to say when the quote dates from.
33. Gordon Fitch
No date given. Nobody has ever heard of this guy, so no way of telling whether the quote is genuine.
So, for those of you playing along at home, here is the final tally:
1969: 1
1970: 2, both from Sisterhood Is Powerful
1974: 1
1975: 1
1976: 2, from Dworkin’s Our Blood
1977: 1, fictional character in novel
1980: 2
1981: 1, from Dworkin’s Pornography: Men Possessing Women
1985: 3, 1 from Dworkin’s "Against the Male Flood"
1988: 6, from Dworkin’s Letters from a War Zone
1991: 7, 3 from The Beauty Myth
1992: 2
1994: 2
1995: 4, 1 is a dubious Dworkin quote, 1 is the 1890 quote by Stanton, 1 is unverified
1996: 1, unverified letter to the editor
1998: 1
2003: 1, fictional character in novel
No date given: 5
So, out of 43 quotes, the only one that’s less than 10 years old is a misattribution from a right-wing novel.
A whopping 7 of the quotes are from 1991, consisting of 3 from Wolf’s The Beauty Myth and 4 culled from various periodicals. Together with a fifth quote from the February 1992 issue of Texas Monthly, this suggests to me that the quote list was first compiled by some angry proto-MRA in early 1992, and that the quotes from the periodicals formed the original core. The compiler then added a bunch of quotes from Wolf and Dworkin (and one from Gloria Steinem), lightly seasoned it with quotes from a handful of radical second-wave feminists from the ‘70s, and launched the result into the ether as a chain email, which was forwarded hither and yon for the next few years. Then, in 1996, a slightly-more-enterprising-than-usual misogynist took the chain email and added more quotes, (mostly dubious, unverifiable, undated ones). Since then, other misogynists have added the 1998 Hillary Clinton quote (because every antifeminist quote list needs at least one) and the faux-Dworkin quote from the 2003 novel.
And with the rise of the blogosphere, this list has now become a favorite among the barely-computer-literate MRAs, who simply copypaste it into their (and other peoples’) blogs.
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