FAN #179: "One if by Land and Two if by Sea" by Johnny Pez

Up today at the Sobel Wiki are two more For All Nails vignettes.  First is #174: "When the Going Gets Weird" by David Mix Barrington, in which Dr. Thomas S. Hunter experiences fear and loathing in the FANTL analogue of Las Vegas; next is my own #179: "One if by Land and Two if by Sea", in which the leaders of New Granada prepare for their coming war with Great Britain.

"When the Going Gets Weird" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 22 November 2002, and "One if by Land and Two if by Sea" on 2 December 2002.

FAN #168: "Pound Diplomacy" by Henrik Kiertzner

Up today at the Sobel Wiki, along with an article on Newfoundland, are two more For All Nails vignettes: #168: "Pound Diplomacy" by Henrik Kiertzner, is a sequel to #167: "A Message From Big Brother"; and #169: "Movement of Jah People" by David Mix Barrington, shows the reaction in Barbados to the impending war between Great Britain and New Granada.

"Pound Diplomacy" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 1 December 2002, and "Movement of Jah People" on 2 December 2002.

FAN #167: "A Message From Big Brother" by Henrik Kiertzner

Up today at the Sobel Wiki are For All Nails vignettes #43: "Tails and Dogs" by Noel Maurer, in which Kramer Associates considers its bottom line in February 1974, and "A Message From Big Brother" by Henrik Kiertzner, which resumes to story of the Bali incident in January 1975.

"Tails and Dogs" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 4 January 2002, and "A Message From Big Brother" on 1 December 2002.

On the coming civil war

So, the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life conducted a poll a few weeks back, and one of its findings was that 34% of conservative Republicans think that President Obama is a Muslim.  This is more than twice the percentage that it was in October 2008, when a mere 16% of conservative Republicans thought that Obama was a Muslim.  As Charles P. Pierce points out, the reason so many people can believe something that is so obviously untrue is because some sociopathic right-wing billionaires have created their own alternate reality, a reality where Obama is a Muslim, global warming is a hoax, and black people caused the recession.  An awful lot of the people in this country live in that alternate reality, and that's why this country is headed for civil war, soon.

Maybe you think that sounds alarmist.  You look around, and it doesn't look like we're on the verge of a civil war.  Well, think about a couple of people living in America in 1856.  Walk up to a Northern anti-slavery man, and ask him whether he thinks the country is on the verge of a civil war, and he'll tell you no, of course not.

"But," you tell him, "what about all those Southerners who are threatening to secede if the country elects an anti-slavery president?"

"It's just a bluff," he would answer.  "They're just trying to scare us into backing down.  They won't really secede."

Now go talk to a Southern pro-slavery man, and ask him whether he thinks the country is on the verge of civil war, and he'll tell you no, of course not.

"But," you tell him, "if you secede from the Union, won't that provoke a civil war?"

"Nonsense," he would answer.  "Those Yankees wouldn't dare try to stop us from seceding.  They haven't the spine for it."

Two different people, two different realities.  Put them together, and you get a civil war.

And that's what we have in this country right now: two different, incompatable realities.  A house divided against itself, just like in the 1850s.  And it won't be too long before those two realities come into conflict, and then, just like in the 1860s, there will be a civil war.

FAN #166: "I Heard the News Today" by Mike Keating

Up today at the Sobel Wiki, along with an article on Samuel Adams, are two more For All Nails vignettes:  #39C: "Secretarial Privilege" by Noel Maurer, in which Vincent Mercator learns about the German missiles in Puerto Rico in January 1973, and #166: "I Heard the News Today" by Mike Keating, a news account of the events in #165: "And the Walls Came Down" in April 1975.

"Secretarial Privilege" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 28 Decembe 2001 as #39-d, and "I Heard the News Today" on 18 November 2002.

Who will draw the short straw?

Now someone at the Romney campaign has to explain to Mitt who Borat is.  I'd feel sorry for them . . . if they weren't a member of the Romney campaign.

FAN #165: "And the Walls Came Down" by Mike Keating

The Sobel Wiki continues to expand, with the posting today of two For All Nails vignettes. First is #39B: "Tropical Paradox" by Noel Maurer, in which a Mexican spy operates in Puerto Rico in July 1968.  Next is #165: "And the Walls Came Down" by Mike Keating, in which anti-government radicals in the CNA take direct action in April 1975.

"Tropical Paradox" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 26 December 2001, and "And the Walls Came Down" on 18 November 2002.

FAN #164: "Under Heartbeat City's Golden Sun" by Johnny Pez

Up today at the Sobel Wiki are two more For All Nails vignettes.  First, #37: "The Candidate" by Noel Maurer, in which we get our first glimpse of presidential candidate Immanuel Moctezuma in September 1971.  Second, my own #164: "Under Heartbeat City's Golden Sun", in which a popular music act performs in Manitoba in August 1975.

"The Candidate" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 20 December 2001, and "Under Heartbeat City's Golden Sun" on 7 November 2002.

And heck, here's an embedded video of the Cars' "Heartbeat City" from 1984.

FAN #162: "Ashes and Action" by Mike Keating

Up today at the Sobel Wiki are two more For All Nails vignettes.  First is #28: "Sour Krauts" by Noel Maurer, a look at a cabinet meeting in the German Empire in June 1970.  Second is #162: "Ashes and Action" by Mike Keating, in which the Sam Adams Brotherhood plans a strike against the authorities in March 1975.

"Sour Krauts" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 12 December 2001, and "Ashes and Action" on 6 November 2002.

FAN #161: "The Lesson" by Jonathan Edelstein

Up today at the Sobel Wiki are two more For All Nails vignettes.  First is #24: "That's Not Cricket!" by Noel Maurer, in which an Englishman is introduced to American-rules cricket in April 1972.  Next is #161: "The Lesson" by Jonathan Edelstein, in which a professor in Sierra Leone lectures his class in April 1962.

"That's Not Cricket!" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 11 December 2001, and "The Lesson" on 21 November 2002.

FAN #160: "Hope You Guessed My Name" by Mike Keating

Now up at the Sobel Wiki are two more For All Nails vignettes.  First is #20: "A Day at the Office" by Noel Maurer, featuring Mexican businessman Robert Contreras having a bad day at the office in September 1971.  Second is #160: "Hope You Guessed My Name" by Mike Keating, in which Mexican spy Harold Pickett watches a man die in March 1975.

"A Day at the Office" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup as vignette #19 on 5 December 2001, and "Hope You Guessed My Name" on 31 October 2002.

FAN #159: "Weakness is Strength" by Bernard Guerrero

Up today at the Sobel Wiki, along with an article on George Loring, are two more For All Nails vignettes.  First is #159: "Weakness is Strength" by Bernard Guerrero, an article from the 12 January 1976 issue of the Statist on copyright negotiations, and second is "Notes from the Investigation (Part 2)" by David Mix Barrington, a sequel to, you guessed it, "Notes from the Investigation (Part 1)".

"Weakness is Strength" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 29 October 2002.  "Notes from the Investigation (Part 2)," however, although it was largely written ten years ago, appears today for the first time anywhere at the Sobel Wiki.

FAN #237: 'Truckers" by Carlos Yu

Up at the Sobel Wiki, we continue with the Bali crisis at For All Nails.  Up today are two vignettes, #153: "Notes from the Investigation (Part 1)" by Noel Maurer and Dan McDonald, in which President Moctezuma pays a call on the War Department, and #237: "Truckers" by Carlos Yu, a prequel to "Puputan", more proof (as if more proof were needed) that Carlos was the best writer in the FAN project.

"Notes from the Investigation (Part 1)" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 14 November 2002, and "Truckers" on 16 April 2003.

FAN #193: "Apocalypse Soon" by Johnny Pez

Now up at the Sobel Wiki are three, count 'em, three new For All Nails vignettes.  Thanks to David Mix Barrington, we now have #151: "January Chill" by Noel Maurer, a companion piece to "The British Are Coming", and its immediate sequel, #152: "The Hotline" by Barrington and Maurer.  Also up is my own #193: "Apocalypse Soon", in which Kramer Associates sends a strike team to New Granada in mid-December 1974.  Not only does it act as a prelude to the crisis that began with "Puputan", it's also one of my favorite pieces of writing.

"January Chill" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 7 November 2002, "The Hotline" on 14 November 2002, and "Apocalypse Soon" on 16 December 2002.

FAN #150: "The Britsh Are Coming" by Johnny Pez

Up today at the Sobel Wiki, along with an article on Frederick Buchanan, are two For All Nails vignettes: #11: "Chamber of Manufacturers" by Noel Maurer, a sequel to "Oil Markets", and #150: "The British Are Coming" by Johnny Pez, in which the rulers of New Granada receive a visit from the British ambassador.

"Chamber of Manufacturers" was first posted without a title on the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 25 November 2001, and "The British Are Coming" on 1 November 2002.

FAN #148: "Happy New Year!" by Henrik Kiertzner

Now up at the Sobel Wiki are two more For All Nails vignettes, #8: "Oil Markets" by Noel Maurer, in which monetary policy in the U.S.M. spells trouble for Mexican businessman Robert Contreras, and #148: "Happy New Year!" by Henrik Kiertzner, in which the nations of Europe react to momentous events in Indonesia.

"Oil Markets" was first posted as an untitled vignette at the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 21 November 2001, and "Happy New Year!" on 30 October 2002.

FAN #146: "Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)" by Johnny Pez

Up today at the Sobel Wiki are two more For All Nails vignettes: my own #146: "Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)", a sequel to "Bad News in Bogota", and David Mix Barrington's #149: "Uncle Torsten's Coon Dog", in which the Governor-General of the C.N.A. responds to recent actions by the Europeans.

"Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 25 October 2002, and "Uncle Torsten's Coon Dog" on 31 October 2002.

And it feels alright

Time for another embedded music video.  Today it's Luscious Jackson with 1997's "Naked Eye".

FAN #145: "Bad News in Bogota" by Johnny Pez and Noel Maurer

Up today at the Sobel Wiki are two more For All Nails vignettes: #145: "Bad News in Bogotá" by myself and Noel Maurer, in which the Prime Minister of New Granada makes a confession to his king, and #147: "Sunday Morning Tea" by Dan McDonald, in which members of the C.N.A.'s political class appear on vitavision to discuss recent events.

"Bad News in Bogotá" was first posted to the soc.history.what-if newsgroup on 25 October 2002, and "Sunday Morning Tea" on 28 October 2002.

For All Nails #311: The Burning City

For All Nails #311: The Burning City

By Johnny Pez

Burgoyne, Pennsylvania, N.C., CNA
15 July 1814

Thick smoke rose from across the river as Allegheny City burned.

Abigail Burgoyne, Dowager Duchess of Albany, stood upon the ramparts of Fort Pitt and watched the dark plumes rise up in the still summer air. She caught fugitive glimpses of men running through the streets of the burning town, a few of them settlers, most of them either members of the Burgoyne militia or of Chief Tecumsah’s army. The river carried the sounds of battle with horrible clarity: screams, gunshots, the war-whoops of the Indians.

Abigail heard footsteps on the wooden rampart, and turned to see her daughter-in-law approach. The Duchess of Albany had a worried look on her face, as well she might. Her husband – Abigail’s son – was the commander of the Burgoyne Militia. Somewhere in that terrible inferno over there, he was either dead, or still fighting.

“Have you seen Johnny, my lady?” Lady Emma asked.

Abigail shook her head. “Not since he crossed over this morning.”

The river ferry was docked at the last unburned part of Allegheny City, and Abigail could see people from the town stumbling onboard, some with possessions, most without. The ferry was just starting to become crowded, and the crew were preparing to cast off, when a party of Indians burst into view. There were more sounds of screams from the refugees, and more war cries from the newly-arrived Indians. A few of them fired at the ferry, but most raised their spears and war-axes into the air before charging down to the docks.

A sudden flurry of shots! The charging Indians came to a stumbling halt as several of their number fell to the ground. A second group of men came running from the burning part of the town, but this group was led by a man in the green uniform of a militia officer. Even from a thousand feet away, Abigail could recognize him instantly.

“Johnny!” her daughter-in-law screamed, and it was so. Abigail watched as more of the militia fired at the Indians, then charged them. The Indians fled back into the cover of the burning buildings.

The militia slowly moved back toward the ferry, keeping watch for more Indians, until the crew finally cast off and began rowing across the river.

By ones and twos, sometimes by groups of four or five, more settlers ran down to the docks, where Colonel John Burgoyne, Duke of Albany, kept his men standing guard. By the time the ferry had docked on the south bank of the Allegheny and begun discharging its passengers, over two dozen were waiting on the north bank for its return.

Would it return? Abigail intended to make sure it did. Lifting her skirts, she ran as fast as her constricting clothing and aging bones would let her, down from the rampart, across to the fort’s main gate, then down to the ferry terminal on Sixth Avenue. She made her way past the swearing, weeping refugees who stumbled ashore until she found the ferry’s captain.

That man, a Mr. Robinson, was giving orders to his crew when he saw Abigail stride up. “Lady Albany,” he said, “a pleasure, as always, but as you can see, I am a trifle preoccupied at the moment.”

“That’s quite all right, Mr. Robinson,” Abigail answered. “I don’t wish to disturb you. I only wished to inquire how soon you would be returning across the river.”

A look of alarm crossed Robinson’s face. “My Lady, I admire your courage, but I cannot allow you to cross the river.”

“I have no intention of doing so,” Abigail replied. “I simply wish to assure myself that /you/ will be returning, since I see that there are still a number of people in Allegheny City who require your assistance.”

Robinson gave Abigail a long look before sighing and saying, “As soon as the last of my current passengers have debarked. And yourself, of course, my lady.”

“Thank you, Mr. Robinson.” Abigail left the ferry and joined the fugitives crowding the dock until she saw Robinson’s men cast off and begin rowing back across the river. Then she turned and made her way back up to Fort Pitt.

----

The sun was low in the sky when the ferry made its final voyage across the Allegheny, with sixty exhausted fugitives, and the surviving members of the Burgoyne Militia. Abigail and Lady Emma were waiting at the ferry terminal, and Abigail could not blame her daughter-in-law for throwing herself into Johnny’s arms as he stepped off the ferry. Other members of the militia found themselves receiving equally fervent welcomes from their loved ones.

Abigail saw a woman looking frantically at the faces of the returning militia. She recognized her as Eliza Wilkins.

Mrs. Wilkins ran up to Johnny and said, “Colonel Burgoyne, have you seen Jack?”

Johnny’s face fell, as he said, “I’m sorry, ma’am. Lieutenant Wilkins didn’t make it.”

In an instant, Abigail was back in New-York, watching as a man in a Continental Army uniform told her, “I’m sorry, ma’am. Private Conrad didn’t make it.” Then she was at the ferry terminal, her arms around Eliza Wilkins as the woman shook.

----

“Where is that fool Harrison?” Abigail demanded.

“To the best of my knowledge,” her son replied, “he remains in Fort Radisson.”

Night had fallen over Burgoyne. The northern side of the capital was lit by the flames of Allegheny City, but in Albany House, facing the Monongahela, all was darkness. Abigail glared at her son across the sitting room table.

“Permit me to re-phrase the question, then,” she said acidly. “Why isn’t that fool Harrison here protecting us?”

“Presumably,” said Johnny, “he has more pressing business elsewhere.”

“The capital city of the Confederation is under siege by an army of Indians,” Abigail said. “There /is/ no more pressing business.”

“Mother, I’ve spoken with Sir DeWitt, and he assures me that messengers have been dispatched to Fort Radisson and Philadelphia with news of our situation. And we still have the militia to protect us. Fortunately, the Indians seem to have no boats of their own, so we should be safe here in the capital.”

“Safe until they build boats,” Abigail answered. “I wouldn’t put it past them. That chief of theirs is the very devil. Where is he getting guns for his men?”

Johnny frowned. “From the same place my men get theirs, from the arsenal in Springfield. Somebody at the arsenal is making surplus guns and selling them to the Indians.”

Abigail was stunned. “Are you certain?”

“As certain as I can be,” said Johnny grimly. “We captured several from the Indians during the fight. The Indians have always been able to get a few old guns here and there, made during the Trans-Oceanic War, or even the Rebellion.

“But this is different. They’ve got their hands on new ones, thousands of them, fresh from Massachusetts. That’s how they beat us at Twin Forks and Bloody Creek, I’m sure of it. Somebody at the arsenal thought to make himself a profit, and the people of Allegheny City have paid the price for his avarice.

Johnny was silent for a moment, then said, “When this business with the Indians is finished, I mean to see to it that those responsible are found out, and made to suffer the consequences of their actions.”

Abigail thought of Eliza Wilkins weeping in her arms.