Saturday, January 5, 2008

Minneapolis Dreams

I'm already on record predicting that the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis will deadlock, resulting in the compromise choice of former President George H. W. "Poppy" Bush as the Republican nominee. And that prediction still stands.


There's prediction, and then there's daydreaming. Here's my daydream of how the convention in Minneapolis will turn out:

As the delegates assemble on September 1, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee has a razor-thin majority. However, he's been spewing gaffes like a firehose all year, and polling shows that he's running about fifteen points behind the newly-chosen Democratic nominee. Also, the Powers-That-Be in the Republican Party still don't like having an actual fundy as their nominee. Fundies (or "the nuts" as the Powers-That-Be like to call them), are for voting, not for nominating. As a result, on the day of the roll call, certain Rovian dirty tricks are employed (possibly by Rove himself), and in a replay of the 2000 presidential race, the nomination ends up going to runner-up Mitt Romney.

Well, the Huckababies aren't Democrats, and they won't take that kind of bullshit lying down. Fights break out across the convention floor as Huckabee supporters vent their rage on Romney supporters, and the convention comes to a premature close as a mob of Huckababies storms the podium.

Huckabee himself isn't willing to bend over and take one for the Party, and the day after the convention ends he announces that he is leaving the GOP, and his supporters f0llow him en masse. Although there are only two months to go before the general election, the Huckababies succeed in placing their candidate on the ballot in 21 states, mostly in the South. On election day, Huckabee wins 14% of the vote, to 29% for Romney and 55% for the Democratic nominee.

Following the election day debacle, Huckabee's followers begin converting their insurgent movement into a national political party called the Christian Democrats. Attempts to lure them back into the GOP are rebuffed; the Christian Democrats are determined to replace the Republicans as the country's major conservative party. The split among American conservatives continues for the next thirty years, resulting in a permanent Democratic governing majority.

Hey, a man can dream, can't he?

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